Bottoms Up!!

Depending on your genitals, this could be a game changer.

This one goes out to anyone with a vagina. And anyone in that range who thinks their only option to pee at a public venue is on the toilet. It also goes out to anyone with a dick. Because they’re certain to know vag-having human beings who run into the following issue time and time again. And this piece of valuable information needs to be preached far and wide.

We’ve all waited impatiently to relieve our bursting bladders while standing in long ass lines. Especially at parties. It’s beyond frustrating to watch the line at the “men’s” room moving at the speed of the Autobahn and meanwhile LA rush hour is taking place in the “women’s” line. Because wayyy too often there aren’t enough stalls. Or maybe you're at a party with lackadaisical kiki’s galore going on. People taking their sweet ol time, giggling, sniffing and smooshed in a 3’ wide space. To be fair I’ve definitely been the person on both sides of that stall.

One of the many unfair advantages schlong-holding homo sapiens have over the rest of the population is the ability to waltz in, quickly relieve themselves, hopefully wash their hands and swiftly walk out past people who haven’t moved an inch. Many who are feeling the pressure of holding in a bladder that feels like a water balloon about to explode. You don’t have to feel boxed in by your box, especially at venues that wisely have gender neutral bathrooms or if you’re an unabashed individual who likes to break the rules.

I was recently at a club notorious for their incredibly long bathroom lines. That purgatory period can be a high stress test of patience, a true survival of the fittest moment for those on the go who really, really gotta go. And I was one of those very people. And on top of that, I was missing precious dancefloor time during an incredibly hottt set. I was bitching about the situation to a friend of mine when she brought to my attention a whole other way of handling my urgent needs.

“Gurl, why don’t you just pee in the urinal?!” she exclaimed.

“How?” I quizzically racked my brain. Another friend once told me you could hold your vajayjay a certain way and stream accurately while standing but that sounded very tricky, quite messy and an easy way to spread germs.

She laughed and said, “gurl, you just need to back it up.”

Still dumbfounded, I stood frozen, racking my brain with the risks. I certainly didn’t want my ass touching the nasty urinal. Or my lack of aim to miss the target completely. That would be highly embarrassing.

She did a live demonstration and I was fully gagged. She essentially squatted and angled up her tuches about 30 degrees higher and started a steady stream. There was ample room for her to hit the mark. I was already a squatter in the stalls having not sat on a toilet seat at a party since the 90’s. An exaggeration, yes- but only slightly so. There’s nothing like sitting on a wet toilet seat to damper your night.

Plus I already had the advantage of always wearing skirts and dresses, so this was an easy win.

I timidly backed up and tip toed towards the urinal, dropped my draws and let it flow. It was a eureka win for my urine. The toilets had turned and will never be the same in my eyes again.

And any penis holder who witnesses it will never be the same again either. Shocked and gobstruck eyes watching us saddleback in reverse while we give them the silent nod and stoop to their level. How cunt. I dashed back to the dancefloor gleefully. And have made it a point to spread the word ever since. Some folks had already heard the news, but most had no clue they could facilitate this type of freedom in the facilities. Of course, not everyone has this option- whether due to abilities, because they’re pee shy or something else. But if you can, perhaps try a new way of approaching the can.

There are umpteen unfair advantages society deems dudes with dicks. But this is one we can remedy ladies. And without having to protest and government bureaucracy getting in the way. Like so many other disadvantages we’ve been conditioned to accept, this one we don’t have to take sitting down. Stand up for your rights and when you can, go where you want to.