I cannot believe it took me this long to write a piece about women! And shame on me because we’re waayyyy more important than glow sticks, fog and other bullshittery abound. If it wasn’t yet clear to you, women are of the utmost importance. And just as many of us often do, I wasn’t thinking of ourselves. This one goes out to anyone on the female leaning gender spectrum- past or present. All the sisters. Whether you’re trans, binary or a masc-presenting person who is femme inside. I want to scream this one from the rooftops. So whomever this resonates with, this goes out to you.
Attention sir, mister, guy, bro and fellas. Masc leaning strangers, colleagues and friends alike. Whether or not you think you’ve ever mansplained, please listen closely. Because like all of us, at times we do things unwittingly. And on too many occasions, femmes refrain from pointing out your underestimations of us. Like on the spot in real time. You might genuinely think you’re helping. But if you listen to what we have to say, you just might learn something. And we can from learn from you (that's generous sometimes, I know) if you could just calm the fuck down. You’ll get your turn to speak. Having a dick is no excuse to well…being a dick. An extra appendage isn’t a valid reason for shitty manners. So sirs of the world, please…we do want to hear what you have to say if it’s of value and you're not trying to drill it into us (pun intended).
We can feel you anticipating the end of our statements so you can proclaim your testosterone-driven diatribe that we’re already tuned out of. Feminine giving brains have just as much fire power as yours. And many of us are rich in emotional intelligence to boot. Don’t get emotional, you might say? Well, why not? If you don't consider emotions as part of the equation, you're likely leaving important considerations on the table. Don’t believe me? Look at some of the nonsense AI spits out.
Mansplaining isn’t something only cis men can be guilty of. It has absolutely nothing to do with your sexuality or life experience; you can also be gay, straight, bi or brought up in a lesbian household. When I think about male physicality, it's partially apparent why you believe your stance is deserved. You take up more space in three dimensions, but why does that have to extend to your dialogue?
Exactly what is mansplaining? Because don’t get it twisted, the fellas have lots of interesting information to share. What distinguishes mansplaining from a friendly conversation is that it’s an overbearing, over-explanation (that’s often inaccurate) while under a false assumption that the other person couldn't possibly know something. These tedious talkathons are very often conducted in a condescending manner. Still unclear? Check out these real life examples:
Guys asking femmes while DJing (including those doing so for decades) to plug their USB in. As if they’re not turning it already. Also, explaining music like they’ve never heard of a 4/4. They’ll even pester female DJs for drugs ignoring the fact that they’re in the mix.
Treating femmes like they don’t know how to do their jobs. Looking ladies up and down when they say what they’re there to do. Explaining the mundane, like how a walkie talkie works or how to use a mixer.
Explaining to someone what a map-point is after you know they started going to parties in the 90’s AND they’ve just finished describing a fierce one from back in the day.
A friend’s date explained how his testosterone fuels his need to inflict violence on others. And that as a woman with her estrogen, she just wouldn't understand.
You might be thinking. Oh shit, is that me?! If you see yourself in one of these anecdotes, no worries, just change it up moving forward. Like all things requiring personal improvement, the first step is being conscious of your actions. Pay closer attention to your share of the discussion with femmes. Mansplaining makes women feel less than and diminished. And using her voice to speak up in situations such as these comes at risk of being called bossy, domineering, assertive and/or aggressive. The very things males are often praised for. Really rest on that. It’s quite a conundrum, isn’t it?! Apply it to a scenario in your life. And if you can’t envision that, just ask the ladies. And that's my white woman perspective. It's clear that women of color, those with disabilities and many others get even worse treatment. Just another problem on the laundry list of vile behaviors they experience.
Are you uncertain if mansplaining is your modus operandi? Well, here’s some suggestions for male leaning human beings:
Before launching into a tirade that tries our patience, ASK if we know about the subject at hand.
Get off your soapbox and let the other people speak.
If a lady calls you out at any point of a conversation. Apologize! Not for how she feels but that you actually did the deed.
If you witness another guy doing just that, perhaps take him aside and explain how offensive he’s coming across. That’s not mansplaining- that’s just being conscientious.
Talk to the women in your life about their experiences when they’re not transpiring. Trust, you’ll hear a plethora of stories.
And femmes, some suggestions should you find yourself in a bottomless mansplaining well that resides in pointless-ville:
With as much patience you can muster, listen to the guy proclaim all-knowingness from his pedestal and when his dissertation ends- ask him why he assumed you had no knowledge of it.
For anyone who’s impatient (ahem, me) jump in and say “excuse me” and calmly ask “why are you mansplaining this to me?” That’ll really throw them off their game.
Not openly discussing these ridiculous experiences only serves for them to propagate more easily. Relay your experiences to everyone on the gender spectrum, including men! Spread the word like men manspread their legs.
Just why isn’t there a feminine word that’s the equivalent of mansplaining? I’ve Googled it, and nada. Women-splaining certainly doesn’t have a good ring to it. Femme-splaining perhaps? Name or no name for it, can you imagine a world where femmes are so confident that the reverse becomes a thing? I mean, I’m not suggesting that tit for tat is ever the solution, but just reflecting on the possibility could help push one out of their comfort zone. And ladies, lawd knows we’re not above putting each other down either. So let’s make a conscious effort to lift each other up. It’s tough enough out there as it is.