Lost and Found

Expounded upon thoughts on an earlier piece.

I wrote ”The Present is a Present” in 2023 to help my grieving process. An incredibly close friend- who in queer vernacular I call my child, suddenly passed away leaving me and his loved ones despondent, utterly shocked over this monumental loss. It’s nearing his birthday, which stirs up raw emotions- both old, new…and then some,

Fast forward to this Spring and very sadly, a few friends and other folks in various cross sections of scenes unexpectedly passed away as well. Each of them pinnacle figures who have impacted and touched the lives of a plethora of family, friends and friends of friends. While reading beautiful testaments to their existence on this earthly plane, it occured to me to write a revised edition of that same column. Because the past years have taught me crucial lessons that have proved essential in transmuting my grief into a unique energy that fuels me creatively and helps my state of mind.

What follows is this updated version with new suggestions towards the end of the piece.

I don't know how y'all's brains work, but if yours is anything like mine, it often wanders to the past and flashes to the future. And that's good, necessary and quite important. But sometimes I clock myself doing so for too long and in a way that can be unhealthy. Ruminating about things I can't change or trying to micromanage a future that I have little control over hinders me from living in the moment.

So to nudge myself into a current state of mind, I thought of writing a piece about why the present is a present. A free gift from the Universe at your beck and call that’s beneficial in just about any scenario. I find it especially applicable when I’m at parties given that raves are the act of self-discovery, particularly when dancing. It’s extra important to remember that as I soon head to a festival that in the past has given me space to reinvigorate my spirit, heart and soul- often resulting in new perspectives and ideas.

The past is of the utmost importance. It's a) your life to date, b) rich with history and the lessons that accompany it and c) your own private goldmine for stories to tell your friends. Lately, I find myself wistful about the past because I've lost a friend of monumental importance in my life. Sometimes, I’ll dwell in my grief for so long that I can literally hear him cuntily calling me out to stop the tears, look around and celebrate the very moment I'm in.

I was feeling this way while dancing when I was reminded of one of my beliefs which has helped me tremendously. I firmly believe in the multiverse. It's a mind blowing theory that in part proposes the possibility of infinite universes with variations on our reality. It stopped me in my tracks when I realized that meant my friend would therefore be dancing and laughing next to me in other dimensions. I immediately switched from saying “I miss him” to “I miss him presently.” This mindset has given me so much joy and lifted me when I previously could have been in a puddle of my own tears.

While writing this piece at a party, the DJ dropped my friend’s favorite song which shook me to my core. I jumped up to dance immediately, putting this principle into practice. I was filled with strength and serenity as I felt him right there with me. It was the ultimate wake up call to live, appreciate and enjoy every moment which I'll never forget.

The future is of course also important. While it can excite and motivate us, it can equally be scary and foreboding. It very much depends on what’s currently happening in your life. Thinking of the future helps you dream up, manifest and create the path to accomplish your goals. But spending too long in that dreamworld can impede you from taking the steps to turn that fantasy into reality. And then this picturesque aspirational landscape can quickly turn into quicksand that over time becomes tougher and tougher to escape from.

Balance is the name of the game and the Goldilocks sweet spot is the present. It's when you’re able to take actions which shake up past behaviors you'd like to change in an attempt to impact your future. Or when you unearth previously unperceived treasures which can affect your life in big and small ways. As phenomenal as the present can be, it can also be terrible and run the full gamut in between. There's too many examples of that to count. If you're in the midst of a bad time in your life, try not to let your worry about the future rob you of an incredible experience you could be having right now.

So when things are good — or heck, even mediocre, really relish everything that’s happening. Tap into all of your senses and feelings and really live through them. I know this sounds corny — but, live the present to its fullest potential and in the most divine way you can. Try to not miss out on what’s right in front of you. Doing so brings a smile to my face and piques my curiosity revealing a world of possibilities.

Getting to the present can be a bit- or a lot- of a struggle bus and I have methods other than thinking of the multiverse that help me center myself. Use any senses you’re able to in the very moment you’re in. You can start by focusing on three things you see. Then three things you hear, then smell, touch and taste follow suit. It can be as simple as “that light is red.” Or “it smells like ass in here.” Doing so helps divert your attention. Another way to snap back to reality is to without hesitation think of three adjectives that describe your current feelings. What immediately comes to mind may surprise you. Recognizing them is helpful regardless if your mood is positive, negative or somewhere in between.

Live presently because, as we all know, it only takes a snap second for the path laid out so carefully in your mind to no longer exist. Writing this piece as an attempt to bring me to the present time was successful. And hopefully it’s helpful for you too. So now that I've gotten all that off my chest and brain — I'm gonna go back to dancing and carrying.

And….I’m back. Now at the present day to share the recent learnings and tools that have helped me.

Be open to trying avenues you hadn’t considered in your wildest dreams. I’d break down into tears for hours when struck by any sign or memory of my friend. And while tremendously sad, those moments were equally joyful. Because after a year, I realized they were precious connections I desperately wanted to funnel into positive velocity. One of my close friends- who was dealing with grief of similar stature, told me about an Intuitive that has helped them tremendously. The idea of doing anything of that nature never even entered my pragmatic noggin’. So while I was skeptical of supernatural abilities and such- I trusted my friend implicitly and my pragmatic nature acquiesced and I booked an appointment.

What transpired in my first session was extraordinary and unexplainable. It knocked my socks off. It’s also deeply private so you’ll find no details here nor if you ask. Just know that it was as if a light switched on. Swiftly and suddenly, I was able to transmute my despondency stemming from memories and signs into positive energy.

Write love letters to those who have passed. Pour your heart into words rather than thoughts. For me, the physicality of writing by hand can add a certain intimacy. But use whatever floats your boat at the end of your finger tips. Upon finishing a letter, I meditate, then read it outloud, imagining my loved one in physical form in front of my very eyes.

Treasure and express your feelings to those you love. It may sound trite, yet it’s true. And something that bears repeating often. Because what begins as good intentions can easily take a backseat when the whirlwind of life drifts us apart. And while thinking of others is lovely- converting those thoughts into actions goes eons.

So perhaps take a beat, and take stock of those you treasure but seldom see or speak with. And consider simple reminders to connect with them in future months and maybe even years. Whatever way is natural for you- set a reminder on your calendar, add em to your to-do list, jot it down on a post it note or set an alarm. It might seem like a lot, but I see no downside in trying. The upsides are a plenty. And who doesn’t love getting a call out of the blue, text or invitation to hang out..

Grief is an interconnected web to the unknown. Learning that a friend, family, pet- or even someone you don’t know personally can spark under-processed grief that lay dormant in your psyche, which can trigger subconscious past patterns. Pay attention to cues and if healthy, lean in. And if they’re giving the start of a spiral, try your best to course correct.

And don’t be shy to seek help if you need it. Through a family member or friend is of course one route. But perhaps what’s really needed is an objective person to guide you. Therapists might be an option- but support doesn’t have to cost money. Support hotlines are accessible free avenues. Feeling skeptical or that you can just do without? It doesn’t hurt to try. And just think of all the gazillion not important things that you already waste your time doing.

RESOURCES:

SAMHSA: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/helplines/national-helpline // Text: ‭435-748‬ // Call: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) // TTY: 1-800-487-4889

Call BlackLine: https://www.callblackline.com // Call: 1-800-604-5841 // App: Apple OR Google Play

LGBTQ Hotline: https://lgbthotline.org //Call: 1-888-843-4564

If you have suggestions on processing grief- please comment or DM them, no matter how seemingly tiny or large. I’ll then consolidate and share them broadley with Rants and Raves readers.

And be safe out there. Much love y’all.