I Have One Request
Keep yours to yourself, pretty please.
There are plenty of places that take requests, should you be so inclined. Karaoke bars were literally made for them. And radio station deejays are at the ready for first time callers. And lest you forget- you can have it your way at Burger King any ol’ time. DJing has firmly become a pervasive part of the pop culture lexicon. And it’s abundantly clear, that its stratospheric ascent has been accompanied by a whoooole lotta of folks who haven’t caught the memo that at a party- the track selection is up to the DJ; who was booked for their skills to craft the music. It’s not up to you and your taste- or lack thereof.
Sauntering up to the booth to make a request- (or even…insist) the DJ cue some Lady Gaga song that’s looping in your brain isn’t okay. In fact, it's far from that. It’s actually rude as fuck. The requestor becomes the personification of a needle skipping the record. And the only thing that’s actually accomplished is disturbing the DJs concentration. That and showing their ass in an asinine manner to boot. Because lest you forget those pleas are in public. So there’s a high chance of your faux pas turning into a tale that conjures giggles for minutes, hours, years- or even decades to come.
Why? Because parties aren’t analogous with your best friend’s wedding. And while requesting “Umbrella” might make you the hit of their hitch, at a party you’ll likely just catch shade from dozens of eyes, rolling at you in unison. I get it. Given dance music’s ginormous growth- it’s plainly obvious why some folks aren’t yet aware of this vast distinction. Which is why I’m putting this too seldom understood fact on blast: a DJ busy behind the decks is in the midst of doing their J.O.B. Artists take time to cull and craft their sets, then mix tracks on the fly in response to rapidly evolving dancefloors. Which only requires one thing from you- your dancefloor energy. Silly or serious song suggestions need not apply. Ever.
A typical scenario: Mx. Entitlement boldly bounds up to the booth with all the heft and bravado of the Kool-Aid Man busting through a brick wall. The DJ could be doing anything- selecting a track, in the middle of a mix or just taking a sip of water. Doesn’t matter. The results are the same- they fucked up their rhythm. Some asshats actually cross into the physical realm, tapping the DJ in a desperate bid for their attention. Hello…keep your hands and unappreciated suggestions to yourself.
Some bishes think they’ve found a clever workaround- keeping at a distance, looming silently with their bright ass phone held highly proclaiming their incessant wish for the world to see. You might be thinking, that’s not quite as bad, right?! WRONG. Persistently petitioning for your favorite Charlie XCX song with stalker-like intensity is not the look. Or the action. Avoid doing so at all costs. And if a friend is attempting any of the aforementioned errors of ways, I beg of you- do us all a favor and tell them the tea.
The world doesn’t revolve around DJs, and it certainly doesn’t revolve around you either. And your unquenched burning desire for a beat won’t harm you, I promise. Attempts to usurp the DJs’ gig are always unwanted. So whatever your whims may be, what they are not are wishes to be fulfilled on your command. Advice that just so happens to be applicable to the rest of your life.
Rest assured for the impatient- you can have your musical moment- AFTER you leave. Lots of Uber drivers take requests- to use their Bluetooth that is. Or the afters might be your time to shine- just be sure to avoid insistent and annoying demands. And if all else fails, no one’s stopping you from belting it out in the shower. Aside from maybe your roommate.
Remain unconvinced?! Well, flip the script and ponder how similar circumstances curtail your job when you’re firmly entrenched in the zone. That blatantly obvious state of being, easily observed by strangers given the intensity of what you’re doing- whatever it is that you do. Mx Obtuse sauntering up shatters your focus, throwing you off track, not always an easy thing to get back. I don’t know about you- but personality and predicament contingent, cursing them out just might swiftly follow- perhaps verbally or if they’re lucky, silently.
I’ve witnessed umpteen entitled antics of this sort. Privy to far too many lame ass request lines. None of which I’ve seen net out in anything. Stories so preposterous, you can’t write them. So… I’m putting a call out for your best/worst request tales for next week’s column. Spare no detail or witty rebuttals please. Because many of us will be in need of a pick me up during the upcoming week, which is likely to test your nerves. And no need to hold back- selections will be shared anonymously, so DM em’ on over.
