Glitter Gotta Go

If only there was a repellent.

Glitter is the bane of my existence. I simply can’t stand it. It doesn’t stay put, adheres to everything in its path and is tougher to remove than an uninvited random person that crashed your afters. The countless flakes of shimmering debris proliferate nightlife, which is arguably its epicenter- at least from my skewed perspective.

Aesthetics aren’t my issue with it. If only that were the case. I’ve seen plenty of instances of glitter looking completely fab on friends and strangers alike…from afar. To each their own as always. You do you, I’ll do me. But the problem with glitter is that you doing you, rubs off on me. I’ve too often been a victim of this nonconsensual fashion choice which sticks to everyone and everything in its proximity. And if that’s not bad enough, it’s a major pain in the ass to remove. Most lewks don’t transfer off onto others unwillingly. Okay, body paint and self tanner are a few examples, but I can’t really speak to those. And before you point out that my makeup at times has glitter in it, please know that I consider that shimmer. My distinction being it’s not leaping onto unsuspecting and unwilling participants.

Sparkalaphobia is the term for glitter phobia. I know because I just googled it and am now pretty sure I’m afflicted. It seems to be rare by the few non-scientific websites that discuss it such as the Urban Dictionary. But I suspect that's because there’s not enough research on the matter. Perhaps it's my bias, but it seems implausible there’s not a ton of people who, like me, have eagle eyes that spy the shiny specks of sticky silicon and run for the hills.

A few years ago, I was blissfully dancing at a festival when a stranger, who I assume was overcometh with literal ecstasy, smeared blue glitter on my face. First off- don’t touch my face. Period. Or touch me anywhere if I don’t know you. I froze briefly and then horrified, darted to the bathroom and attempted to scrub it off. Water, soap, rinse and repeat. Round after round ensued and the tacky residue still remained on my face.