Fan Girl. Not a Fan, Gurl.

Clack is whack.

The scenario couldn't be more heavenly. You're at a party that’s pure perfection. Fully captivated by blissful beats and dancing feet and then whap! A clack attack comes at you. What’s a clack you might be asking? It’s the loud sound that happens when one quickly whips a folding fan open with a hard flick of their wrist. A clack attack is an unwanted and raucous barrage of harsh sounds that completely usurp the music, interrupting all within range.

Repetitive fan clacking is offbeat 92.75% of the time, disrupting the party’s vibe and energy. It punishes so many within earshot- which at times is the entire dancefloor. Why, oh why do people clack ad nauseum? Fans are certainly a historical part of gay and feminine culture- but nonstop noisemakers at a party are an entirely different thing. So the reason why beats the hell out of me, but I'm pretty sure it comes from an earnest place of enthusiasm. Clackers think they're giving, but the only thing that gives is my patience and that of others. It noisily and insatiably screams “look at me, look at me, look at meeeeee!!” The abrasive sound rattles people out of their dreamscape into a seemingly never ending living nightmare.

Music comes first, and I want each beat served to my ears exactly as the DJ intends them to be heard. Unnecessary and unwelcome additions need not apply for gratuitous attention. In appropriate environments, I’ve heard instruments played jubilantly and beautifully with precision by people who know what they're doing. But a) a fan isn't an instrument and b) this ticky tacky technique of over-clacking falls nowhere close to that range. Clackers wish they were so fine tuned.

A fan clack can be fab when worked properly. Like the punctuation at the end of a cunt sentence, it exclaims your excitement on rhythm at the pinnacle of a mix and then- and here's the kicker- it ends. The critical thing is that there’s very little, if any, intrusion on the music, atmosphere and dancers. What I'm referring to in this rant isn’t that type of one and done. It’s when someone is pointlessly and persistently clacking away with no cares at all. The cacophonous sounds generally have absolutely nothing to do with the track- AT ALL. Doing it incessantly can seem a bit psycho. Well, that’s a bit harsh. But it certainly makes me feel like a raving lunatic.

I’ve conducted an informal non-scientific poll of a bunch of DJs and the results aren’t shocking. The vast majority agree that far less (like perhaps one) is more. The major reason supersedes simply just being a nuisance. The ceaseless clickity clack attack actually jolts them out of their focus and mix, f*cking up their flow and concentration. A seasoned DJ recently recounted that while playing a party, they were convinced that the sound system was broken. They called the sound person over to check out what was wrong. After a bit of troubleshooting they realized the real trouble was the relentless clacker in the corner obtusely going at it with their fan. Preposterous. Ridiculous. Throwing the DJ off is NEVER the look. Ever.

For those clackers on a continuum who remain unconvinced and thinking something like- “whatever, it’s my thing and I don’t care because this is how I live my best life” Just know that your fan-dumb is cunt-ceited and you're selfishly sabotaging the DJs work, artistry and the experience of so many around you. As always, to each their own- but really gurl?! Give your wrist and my wits a rest.