Being Heard
Your accolades deserve to catch more than air.
This week, I’m answering a reader’s question submitted to “Ask Tovah.”
“I'd love an article on how to interact with your favorite DJs. Whether while they are performing, hanging after their set (at the party, socially), running into them on the street, sliding into their DMs, etiquette on asking for track ids. Given that DJs are often deified, a little note on how to come correct in these situations might be compelling.”
DJs are far too often deified- which is no surprise in this celebrity obsessed culture that’s been fueled and propagated by algorithms, capitalism and PR teams for way too long. So here’s a PSA for anyone who needs to hear it. Just because the DJ seems to be at the helm, in a booth facing the crowd, in no way means their value outweighs the dancers.
The delicate ecosystem that composes our dancefloors and scenes depend on both parties EQUALLY. Similar to the analogy of a tree falling in a forest, they rely on audiences to hear and react to their sound. The energy between the two is cyclical. It's an ethos ingrained in me starting in my early rave days…errrr nights, that continues to- in part, define my point of view.
The vast reverence, deference and glorification of DJs can lead to some uncomfortable personal situations. And that’s regardless of how genuine, well-meaning and complimentary a person might be when approaching. And there’s a whole litany of reasons as to why. But when it boils down to it- sometimes, people just need some space. Something that resonates with just about every person on this planet.
An artist’s work (especially when layered with social media) can easily lead one to feel you know them on a personal level. Because at times it can seem that the narrative weaved through a set is speaking directly to your heart and soul- and that you’re the only person on the dancefloor. Their sonic porthole unlocked some deep seeded emotion, which pent up for too long and now released with the velocity of a burst dam.
I’ve had umpteen conversations over the years with a range of folks about this. And when it comes to artists, many had reservations about making their feelings public out of deference to dancers feelings and opinions. And on top of it, they don’t want to come across ungrateful or dismissive. However, I think it bodes all partygoers well to bring these perspectives to light. Because at the end of the night or day- the main purpose of expressing our positive and well-meaning praise is to be fully received by the recipient, right?!
I’m in no way claiming to represent perspectives in totality. But the consensus is that pretty much every artist tremendously appreciates, values, desires and loves hearing from those their work has touched. So fangirls, fanboys and fan-theys, keep those accolades coming. But know that I often hear that it’s the manner of how, where and when they’re approached that can be overwhelming. Particularly when it’s by people they don’t know personally. And trust- I’m no angel. I’m like an overly wound up Jack in the Box when a DJs set sets me off jacking and prancing to no avail. So this column and the tips below are as much for me as anyone else.
Consider These Circumstances:
Before a DJ plays their set. Because a lot of artists are trying to focus on their vision, tracks to be played, what the dancefloor is giving and the overall vibe of the party.
Chatting up the DJ during their set is a NO NO. Period. They’re working.
The set or live performance just wrapped. Many folks need a moment, two or twelve to recalibrate, breathe and process the efforts they just exuded into the room. Think you can’t relate? Imagine how you might (or do) feel at the end of a marathon when all your energy has been expended.
They’re trying to make their way to the bathroom, in the stall, at the urinal or walking out of it. Whether a set is 2 hours or twelve- let folks pee and wash their hands in peace.
If they’re already surrounded by a swarm of people and seemingly overwhelmed, perhaps consider refraining from further smothering.
You’re interrupting or butting in to a conversation they’re clearly in.
Your modus operandi is solely to promote your music, party, label or whatever it is- rather than having a conversation.
Some Definite Don’ts:
Invading their space in the booth. Keep your appendages out of the way, and your beverages too.
Is the staff asking you to move out of the way? Listen to them!!
Trying to have a conversation with an artist during their set. Again, a NO NO. A BIG one.
Embracing or touching people unwantedly. It should go without saying. And that clearly applies to everyone.
Droning on and on asking why an artist doesn’t remember you after meeting them years ago. And then getting mad when they don’t.
Asking for a selfie while they're playing or immediately after is cringe. And it’s made infinitely worse if you use a flash.
Advice To Consider:
You simply dancing and tuning in energetically is a major compliment on its own.
Talking to a DJ for clout purposes or to prove yourself is whack as fuck.
A DJ doesn’t owe you the name or title of a track they played. Some artists share track IDs freely and others don’t. And both perspectives are completely valid.
The immediate moment might not be a good time to broach a full on conversation. So perhaps ask, “is now a good time to chat?”
Perhaps send them a note instead of a full on discussion. Or to express yourself more fully than your initial compliment. Sweet notes in social channels can feel quite personal. And written words certainly last a lot longer.
Express your accolades freely, but keep your expectations for a reply in check. They’re not a route to friendship or guest list. So if you sent a note, know that it might get read without reply (something of which most of us are privy to). But that doesn’t mean it’s not heard and appreciated.
Turn the tables around and treat others as you would yourself. And if you crave that kind of attention- just know everyone doesn’t.
Again, none of this is to suggest that any artist- or other person on this planet is on a level above you. To be heard is a universal need of which we ALL deserve. We all dance and prance on equal footing after all.