This week I combined a few similar questions for a twofer:
Best advice for someone trying to make friends at raves
I’ve been raving for years but moved to nyc a couple of years ago not knowing many folks. I love a solo rave moment but it’s starting to feel kind of lonely. I’ll have random chit chat with strangers but I never seem to be able to make lasting connections - it seems like everyone has their crews and cliques set. I end up feeling discouraged and mainly stick to the dance floor. Do you have any advice on building actual friendships with other ravers and feeling like an outsider in the scene?
Some folks are more adept at making friends than others. What was once natural as a kid, may escape you over the years. Or perhaps you’ve experienced the complete vice versa. Maybe your social skills have remained status quo. Regardless, this is a tough one because there are so many variables. The multitude of factors at play when finding playmates are countless. What city and scene are you in? Does it give warm and fuzzy PLUR or hippie dippy type vibes? Or, is it a “be seen and want to be seen” scene lacking substance. It’s more likely a hodgepodge where honed skills are helpful in figuring out with whom you feel at home.
And then there’s you. You’re obviously a big factor too. Because let’s face it, you could be a magnanimous introvert with a talent for making people feel good. Or an extrovert that screams for so much attention that folks’ roll their eyes rather than a red carpet? Maybe you’re neurodivergent and socializing can prove to be tough. Or you’re just having a shitty day, week, month or year. Whatever the case, just where does your personality reside on the gamut of shy to brash and beyond? But no matter where you fall on that fluctuating scale, the same quandaries pretty much apply.
The optimistic side of me hopes that there’s someone out there for everyone. Even if it takes folks a long ass time to find each other. And I’m not talking about romantic entanglements- that’s a whole ‘nother story for another day. The quest to find a friend doesn’t only depend on who, where and why- timing and a bit of good fortune is clutch too. And like most things- quality over quantity. That is- assuming you’re looking for actual friends and not acquaintances. And be prepared for some discoveries to become disappointments. Because though you can’t judge a book by its cover, you can certainly get a pretty accurate read after a few chapters.
Some suggestions and thoughts:
What kind of vibe are you giving when you’re out? Friendly and approachable? Can’t help your resting bitch face? Be conscious of how you’re projecting because it may not match how you feel inside.
Finding friends is obviously more difficult than finding your phone. And similarly out of reach at your usual nooks and crannies. Are you only seeking them out at parties and clubs? Check out more events where socializing rather than dancing is the main event. Another bonus is that it helps when the music is less loud.
Not everyone is everyone’s cup of tea. And that's more than okay.
Spot a potential pal dancing- smile and say hi. Did they twirl away? Remember- they just might be focused on dancing (ermmm, me much of the time) and it’s not necessarily personal. Or even better, approach them when they take a dancing break. A compliment can be lovely, but questions may lead to actual conversation.
Hit it off? Well, then get their digits or link up on social media. And then, follow up! Don’t wait for the next party run-in. Send them a lovely note to stay top of mind. Wanna hang out? Ask them out to some sort of whereabouts. Maybe it’s a pre-ki or an afters. And that’s all fine and dandy, but if you really want to get to know someone- also hang outside the party. Whether it be a walk, coffee, a drink, an art show- whatever y’all are interested in.
Did it go well? Well, keep the rhythm going. Send messages or make another plan. Just don’t go dormant.
Nita Aviance & Iki Gonzalez Magnusson
Did you get rejected- or at least feel that way? If rebuffed- know- and really know this- it’s not always you. It might be them. Some people just aren’t open to making new friends. For whatever reason. So try not to let your mind spin all the way through Sunday trying to solve that riddle. Chances are, you’ll never know.
Were you able to buddy up and get down? Well, then what kind of friend are you and what sort are they? Do you want them to be at an acquaintance level, a going out friend, or someone you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to? Do you see potential for them to be a platonic partner? And whatever you do, drugs are not the way to make friends. There are plenty of party people out there for the taking. If the majority of time they ask you for a bump but not how you are AND be interested in the answer- warning bells should go off. And that can certainly happen- especially in scenes rife with substances such as ours. That social crutch can easily become a pathway to heartbreak.
With all the things that could go wrong, there’s more that can go right. Go into new relationships with an open mind and heart- just be sure to put yourself first. And if something doesn’t seem right- it just might not be. But if so, perhaps discuss rather than making assumptions.
Patience is key whether you’re looking for a new crew in your hometown or a new abode. It took me some years after moving from Detroit to NYC to feel in my element. So don’t be tough on yourself. While loneliness sucks, remember you’re in it for the long game. Meaning relationships that last. Friendships are forged over time. Though it may happen- it’s a rarity to meet someone and be (actual) besties from day one. Chosen families can be years- even decades- in the making.
Still striking out thus far? Perhaps you’re picky. I mean we should all be discerning to a degree. And though sometimes pickers can’t be choosers, I’d argue it might be better to be lonely than have shitty friends. Don’t shortchange yourself and change for anyone. And alas when you finally find your people, keep in mind how you felt when searching for those special someones. And next time you’re approached- regardless of how you feel in the moment- respond with kindness.