What are your favorite dancing shoes/sneakers?

I’m fussy and fastidious when it comes to footwear. And by that I don’t mean just the looks of things. Aesthetics are far from the total picture when it comes to being primed and prepared for prancing. Do you desire fancy free footwork without woes for your toes? If so, I implore you to step into your comfort zone. Not doing so risks sitting sedentary and sulking, rather than moving merrily to music.

My exacting and persnickety nature, as it relates to what touches my feet, measures up from my perspective. As a trained ballet dancer, the fit of my shoes is akin to fit my skin like pointe shoes. Construction of which millimeters makes the difference.

Perhaps you’re not as particular. Well, you don’t need to be cut from a similar cloth to treat yourself. All it takes is a lil’ more legwork to find the right pair befitting you. Because who doesn’t want to avert their feet feeling hurt?

So just what criteria can be considered when it comes to shoe selection?

Budget: What can you afford? Keep quality over quantity top of mind. Because if they wear out quickly, were they really worth it?

Fit: Why shouldn’t what you wear on your feet fit like a glove?

Comfort: Comfort is subjective, just like your mattress is. Whether it’s soft, sturdy, flexible or rigid, find whatever works for you.

Durability: Shoes wear out. Could a cobbler perhaps bring them back to life? I’ve had some pairs reworked at least five times, if not more.

Weight: Personally, I don’t like footwear that’s heavy and feels like a lead weight. But that could work for you. Find the right balance.

Repeat: Strike gold and find shoes akin to Cinderella’s glass slipper? Stock up. And if they’re no longer in stores, stalk resale sites. I for one continued my combat boot era for well over a decade buying about a dozen used pairs online.

Your go-to shoes don’t need to look like anyone else’s. Or even close to resembling what yours did years before. My prolonged phases have been diametrically different. Aside from the combat boots, they’ve included stacked stilettos and sneakers with a chunky heel. And yours might be Docs, Crocs or orthotics.

And for folks out there looking for dancefloors to provide cushion for their pushin’. Those spongy, squishy, yogamat-esque abominations are antithetical to dancing. Any trained dancer can tell you the same. They have zero bounce- making balance difficult and the potential to roll your ankle easy. So regardless of your choice of shoe, it’s up to you to determine and plan for your own level of comfort. And should you find that more is necessary, all it takes is putting a lil’ extra in your soles.

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Partying completely nude at Berghain: slay. In NYC?

I wouldn’t classify myself as a “never nude,” however I don’t foresee any plans to boldly display myself in the buff at Berghain or any party, anywhere at any time. A huge part of that is confidence, but also, I really, really just love turning a lewk. Also, I’d feel more naked without a skirt to prance about in. So prefacing my POV with the disclaimer that it doesn’t come from a place of ever having been there nor done that. And I’m certainly not judging anyone for baring more than their soul. In fact- I’m in awe of your confidence level, resilience to chilly temperatures, or even a brisk fan. And while there’s never an excuse for anyone creepily leering and making you feel uncomfortable, I’d assume you putting it all (and then some) out there means that you get looks a plenty. And I’m guessing you accumulate many fans to boot while working your booty.

So what is the deal with going au naturel? Some cities and parties are more conducive than others to those who show up in nothing but their birthday suit. I mean, I was just walking down the Castro in SF and was certainly overdressed. Party-wise, I’d start off by asking what’s the dress code du jour? Is there one? No serving without a shirt and shoes perhaps?! If a policy involves any sort of attire your best bet is to at the very least cover your bits and pieces so as not to find your bare ass escorted out. Unsure? Message the promoter in advance. Also, I’m guessing (correct me if I’m amiss), that a big point of nudeness is for freedom of oneself. So if your streaking causes a kerfuffle and is cut short, then what was the point aside from short lived attention stroking nothing but your ego? Regardless of what you’re wearing or not, that’s never the lewk.

I’ve had this group of friends for a while, who have been really great to me but I feel like things are changing and I’m not as connected to them anymore. I care about them but our interests have changed. How do I navigate the change in dynamics without hurting anyone?

I very much appreciate the amount of consideration and respect you have for your friends and maintaining your relationships. Sounds like nothing particularly is amiss- you’re just looking to re-allocate the finite time and energy you have amongst yourself and possibly others. Expand your circle. Maybe minimize it. Step out of your status quo regardless of what that might mean. And it’s not because the grass is looking greener elsewhere- it’s simply that a new shade of chartreuse, jade or kelly is drawing you in.

Those who have even one long term friendship are beyond fortunate. And finding yourself amongst a group of close knit friends or chosen fam is akin to winning the lottery. Those relationships are to be treasured and nurtured. Just know that the one consistent amongst them is evolution. It could go at a snail’s pace for decades and then suddenly galavant about like a gazelle who’s got ants in their pants. Which is why grace and space for each other are paramount. As foreboding as it might seem, the friends you love and treasure deserve a conversation if you’re feeling a fluctuation. From someone who has been on the receiving end of seismic shifts I never saw coming, it’s impossible to overstate how much that would have benefited everyone at hand; and circumvented a massive amount of wasted energy, time and heartache.

Pulling away from friends suddenly without explanation can be quite cruel- even if unintended. Because what’s clear to you might not be to them. Who wants to sit holding the proverbial empty bag? It can be incredibly hurtful and confusing when you’re clueless as to why the other person is acting the way they are. Caught up in a loop de loop cul-de-suc wondering whether you said or did something wrong. Pondering whether the person you thought was your friend is actually an asshole. Especially when all it takes is some grown up conversation to quell anxiety and nerves. So as awkward as it might be- if you truly love/care about the other person, it’s not only warranted- it’s the humane thing to do. 

So just how do you go about that?! For one, don’t lead with “it’s not you, it’s me.” That’s waayyyyy too cliche. But the truth is actually along those lines. Perhaps explain in as much detail you’re comfortable with why the sudden shift in your dynamic. Make it evident that you’re not ending it. t’s just that your communication cadence needs to change at this very moment. You might need a break. Maybe your tastes and/or lifestyles are diverging. If it’s not about them, then make what it is about crystal clear. Whether it be the music, people, spaces- whatever. Reinforce how much you love them and make sure they truly understand that. And if they’re not understanding, be patient, perhaps try again and at the end of the day well- at least you tried your best. And you never know, they could have something they’ve been wanting to express to you as well.

Sometimes friends drift apart only to come back together in a beautiful and unexpected new way. And sometimes….not so much. But regardless, your friends deserve the utmost respect because ultimately you value the same for yourself.

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What’s your view on G being used at the club ?

My stance on the majority of things is- to each their own. We all have our own proclivities which are no one’s business but yours. I have a major caveat to this though, which is- so long as you’re not hurting anyone or anything else. GHB when taken at a club or party can easily fall into that caveat category. You might be saying to yourself- “I’m extremely careful and know what I’m doing.” Maybe you do, but perhaps you don’t. Or perhaps you timed or measured inaccurately once and things went sideways. You could have almost died or ended up in the ER. Maybe you did. Or perhaps you know someone who had a fatal overdose. When it comes to G, chances are you’ve witnessed, heard of or experienced someone G-ing out. I know I have. And it’s terrifying to see someone convulse and their life at risk. And it can ruin the night for a helluva lot of people aside from you.

I want to make it clear that I’m in no way drug shaming anyone. But the question posed relates to doing G AT the club. It becomes other people’s business when your decisions become a problem at the places we all go to dance, connect, release and experience bliss. Not to get traumatized. The hairline difference between measuring a “safe” GHB dose and a fatal one is minute. And minutes are all the difference if taken too closely together. Dosing in a dimly lit club is a recipe for disaster. Promoters have recently been telling me that people are doing it at the bar and on the dancefloor. One even saw people openly dosing on stage during a big party directly over the artists’ beverage area. Putting the DJs, anyone in the booth and the party itself at risk from getting shut down. Not to mention you getting kicked out.

Some folks seem to perceive “safe spaces” as if they were built to protect you regardless of their actions. Even if that includes falling out time and time again. The club is not a day care nor a night care. No one should rest their laurels on nightlife workers, friends and/or strangers to pick up their pieces should things go awry.The reality is that truly safe spaces don’t exist. The way for us to attempt that is for each of us to step up and take personal responsibility for the way we conduct ourselves. Because it’s not all about you, me or anyone else specifically. It’s about US. Our community and the extended community. Just because you’re okay with something, consider the people of whom your decisions compromise and how it might impact them.

Your safety is first and foremost. But G puts a helluva lot more at stake aside from health and emotions- it risks the existence of nightlife itself. And it puts the livelihood of nightlife workers at risk. The people for whom a party or space remaining open is paramount to their paying their rent, bills and basic needs- whether it’s the door staff, bartender, DJ, promoter or anyone else. A party or club shutting down has way more consequences than your fun night ending early. It might also impact a promoter's ability to throw future parties. Ambulances also attract heat from the police, putting the club in a precarious position with local authorities. Some of whom can impact a city’s laws and regulations. Don’t believe me? Just check out what happened during Guiliani’s clampdown on NYC parties and clubs in the late 90s / early 00s.

In order for a party to be one we want to be at- we ALL need to realize our personal responsibilities in these spaces. So if you decide to partake in G, please keep these things in mind when considering doing it at a party. The same goes for testing your drugs for fentanyl and xylazine- for more infop on that check out Testing 1,2,3.

HARM REDUCTION RESOURCES:

https://dancesafe.org/ghb/

https://www.cahma.org.au/article/safer-using-ghb/

https://spunout.ie/health/drugs/reduce-harm-when-taking-g/

ARTICLES ABOUT GHB IN 90S NIGHTLIFE:

Club Owners Becoming Focus Of Effort to Combat Drug Use

City Closes Dance Club Over Problems With Permits

Nightclubs Hire Ambulances For Overdoses, Skipping 911

Whenever I exist on the dance floor with [a] combination of good drugs, music, and bodies I find my mind always fleeting to super existential thoughts that feel too big for the club, but also perfectly correct for the club. Do you ever experience these thoughts on the history of us and how we all got to that exact moment? If so, how do you balance indulging in those thoughts while also being present and part of the party?

Who’s to say some thoughts are too big for the party? There’s no one monitoring what’s ruminating amongst the cogs in your brain but you. And from what it sounds like, you might be spending too much energy worrying about whether they’re appropriate rather than relishing in whatever is currently at the forefront of your mind. Let’s be grateful that the “thought police” haven’t yet been invented to monitor your mental state and ensure you’re in “safe space.” 

There’s infinite beauty in the freedom of your thoughts. Especially those that come about while moving your extremities. I’ve experienced a lot of (relatively speaking) profound thoughts which might come across as banal to others. Judging your perceptions self-defeats dancing which can propel your mind far and wide. My brain oscillates from the easy peasy things to complex riddles that I might not ever solve. And who’s to say what’s right in that moment? If a thought is dragging you down, then switch  it up- or attempt to. But if you’re content then- why are you distracting yourself? And there’s no rhyme or reason- some parties might have you feeling like Plato and others a pleb. And if you have a nagging sensation to be more present-  you can work at it using tips and tricks to snap you back into the current space and time.

Overthinking what you're thinking about is a waste of energy. Take it from me- a classic and at times full-blown overthinker who checks herself about it all the time. You’re the arbiter of your own mind. Push your boundaries. There’s no right and no wrong. You can think of whatever you like, whenever you like. There’s no thought too big. No thought too small. For the dancefloor or anywhere else. Just what came first- the chicken or the egg? Perhaps think about what you need to get at the grocery store?  Do our eyes perceive colors the same way? What rhymes with orange? How many parties have you gone to? Why is 4/4 such a standard rhythm? Whatever your thoughts- indulge away.

I’m so curious- what types of things do y’all think about on the dancefloor? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

This week I combined a few similar questions for a twofer:

Best advice for someone trying to make friends at raves

I’ve been raving for years but moved to nyc a couple of years ago not knowing many folks. I love a solo rave moment but it’s starting to feel kind of lonely. I’ll have random chit chat with strangers but I never seem to be able to make lasting connections - it seems like everyone has their crews and cliques set. I end up feeling discouraged and mainly stick to the dance floor. Do you have any advice on building actual friendships with other ravers and feeling like an outsider in the scene?

Some folks are more adept at making friends than others. What was once natural as a kid, may escape you over the years. Or perhaps you’ve experienced the complete vice versa. Maybe your social skills have remained status quo. Regardless, this is a tough one because there are so many variables. The multitude of factors at play when finding playmates are countless. What city and scene are you in? Does it give warm and fuzzy PLUR or hippie dippy type vibes? Or, is it a “be seen and want to be seen” scene lacking substance. It’s more likely a hodgepodge where honed skills are helpful in figuring out with whom you feel at home.

And then there’s you. You’re obviously a big factor too. Because let’s face it, you could be a magnanimous introvert with a talent for making people feel good. Or an extrovert that screams for so much attention that folks’ roll their eyes rather than a red carpet? Maybe you’re neurodivergent and socializing can prove to be tough. Or you’re just having a shitty day, week, month or year. Whatever the case, just where does your personality reside on the gamut of shy to brash and beyond? But no matter where you fall on that fluctuating scale, the same quandaries pretty much apply.

The optimistic side of me hopes that there’s someone out there for everyone. Even if it takes folks a long ass time to find each other. And I’m not talking about romantic entanglements- that’s a whole ‘nother story for another day. The quest to find a friend doesn’t only depend on who, where and why-  timing and a bit of good fortune is clutch too. And like most things- quality over quantity. That is- assuming you’re looking for actual friends and not acquaintances. And be prepared for some discoveries to become disappointments. Because though you can’t judge a book by its cover, you can certainly get a pretty accurate read after a few chapters.

Some suggestions and thoughts:

• What kind of vibe are you giving when you’re out? Friendly and approachable? Can’t help your resting bitch face? Be conscious of how you’re projecting because it may not match how you feel inside.

• Finding friends is obviously more difficult than finding your phone. And similarly out of reach at your usual nooks and crannies. Are you only seeking them out at parties and clubs? Check out more events where socializing rather than dancing is the main event. Another bonus is that it helps when the music is less loud.

• Not everyone is everyone’s cup of tea. And that's more than okay.

• Spot a potential pal dancing- smile and say hi. Did they twirl away? Remember- they just might be focused on dancing (ermmm, me much of the time) and it’s not necessarily personal. Or even better, approach them when they take a dancing break. A compliment can be lovely, but questions may lead to actual conversation. 

• Hit it off? Well, then get their digits or link up on social media. And then, follow up! Don’t wait for the next party run-in. Send them a lovely note to stay top of mind. Wanna hang out? Ask them out to some sort of whereabouts. Maybe it’s a pre-ki or an afters. And that’s all fine and dandy, but if you really want to get to know someone- also hang outside the party. Whether it be a walk, coffee, a drink, an art show- whatever y’all are interested in.

• Did it go well? Well, keep the rhythm going. Send messages or make another plan. Just don’t go dormant.

  

Did you get rejected- or at least feel that way? If rebuffed- know- and really know this- it’s not always you. It might be them. Some people just aren’t open to making new friends. For whatever reason. So try not to let your mind spin all the way through Sunday trying to solve that riddle. Chances are, you’ll never know.

Were you able to buddy up and get down? Well, then what kind of friend are you and what sort are they? Do you want them to be at an acquaintance level, a going out friend, or someone you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to? Do you see potential for them to be a platonic partner? And whatever you do, drugs are not the way to make friends. There are plenty of party people out there for the taking. If the majority of time they ask you for a bump but not how you are AND be interested in the answer- warning bells should go off. And that can certainly happen- especially in scenes rife with substances such as ours. That social crutch can easily become a pathway to heartbreak.

With all the things that could go wrong, there’s more that can go right. Go into new relationships with an open mind and heart- just be sure to put yourself first. And if something doesn’t seem right- it just might not be. But if so, perhaps discuss rather than making assumptions.

Patience is key whether you’re looking for a new crew in your hometown or a new abode. It took me some years after moving from Detroit to NYC to feel in my element. So don’t be tough on yourself. While loneliness sucks, remember you’re in it for the long game. Meaning relationships that last. Friendships are forged over time. Though it may happen- it’s a rarity to meet someone and be (actual) besties from day one. Chosen families can be years- even decades- in the making.

Still striking out thus far? Perhaps you’re picky. I mean we should all be discerning to a degree. And though sometimes pickers can’t be choosers, I’d argue it might be better to be lonely than have shitty friends. Don’t shortchange yourself and change for anyone. And alas when you finally find your people, keep in mind how you felt when searching for those special someones. And next time you’re approached- regardless of how you feel in the moment- respond with kindness.

It bums me out that you’re at times hesitant to dance the night away. I mean…I get it, but also feel adamant that seasoned ravers should be able to feel at home at parties and clubs. That is, if they have the desire to. Everyone is the arbiter of their club or party experience and let’s face it, sometimes the party just isn’t the vibe you’re looking for. In fact, when I really think about the far reaching scale of the dance music scene, many aren’t my cup of tea either. That being said, I implore you to not allow anyone to burst your bubble if floating on air across the dancefloor is what you’re wishing for. It can be quite tricky to find those oh so sweet spots in your town, not just when checking out other cities. And I don’t know about you, but I definitely want to maximize the amount of fun I get in return for my time, energy and money- especially when on vacation.

So just how do you wade through big or small ponds and take a refreshing dip? These bop-arounds to new towns can be the reset and bolster that your psyche craves. Just like everything else in life, there’s no one way to go about it. Every city is wildly different…obvs. Some are party-paloozas and some are vast deserts where- once in a beautiful blue moon parties pop up- kind of like how cacti blooms. All that being said, just how do you go about navigating this wild (and sometimes oh so tame) landscape?

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We’ve all seen them. Unfortunately, the shenanigans they pull are often too difficult to miss even though you’d prefer not to witness them. I’m talking about folks who selfishly put themselves before everything and everyone else at the expense of others. Whether it’s by being way too f*cked up, out of control requiring others to take care of them, messy boots, causing unnecessary drama, taking up space, or any other sh*tty attitudes and actions. So just how do you deal with these types of folks and situations when they occur?

There’s no simple or one size fits all solution to these types of issues, so sharing advice on a broad scale is tricky. You can, however, keep these parameters in mind when assessing the scenario at hand. Before doing anything, it’s important to pause and reflect whether something should be addressed, because not everything always does. Sometimes it’s actually best to let things lay and walk away. Because people have different values, ethos and reasons for being in the dance music scene. And though for me and many others, music and community are of the utmost importance, the reality is some may be in it for fame, drugs, or a plethora of other reasons. And we’re not in a cult sharing all the same beliefs. So if you encounter a troubling situation along these lines, what should you do?

1. Is what this person is doing (or not doing) causing danger or harm to themselves or others? Or is it just bothersome? If the latter, is it really worth your energy and time or can you just ignore what they’re doing?  

2. Will addressing the issue cause more friction than potential benefit? Adding to or starting drama unnecessarily isn’t ever the look.

3. Are you someone this person may be willing to hear out? If not, who is best? And if so, are there others who could be helpful in the scenario as well?

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What happened to proper chill out rooms? These were a feature of my early raving days in the mid-00s, but seem to be a thing of the past. Has the price of throwing multiroom parties just made a quiet(er) space uneconomic or do some people prefer to, you know, dance?

Ambient rooms (aka chill out rooms) were super common when I started going to parties in the mid 90s as well. And even though my battery operated spirit animal is an Energizer Bunny whose natural habitat is the dancefloor, I’ve parked my a*s in these rooms oodles of times, often losing track of time and space.

Though it’s true most parties and clubs no longer have ambient rooms, some promoters have made it a cornerstone of their programming. Looking for more? Go to the parties that have them and then follow artists to clock what gigs they’re booked at in the future. I’ve been seeing an increasing number of parties where ambient music is the main event, or perhaps the only music featured. And some of those parties pay extra attention to the visuals and design of the space creating a beautifully immersive cocoon of an experience that’s distinct onto itself.

Just what is ambient music anyways? In my early days, I classified it as the minimal 90’s sound that soothed me during an acid trip gone awry or embraced my pill induced warm and fuzzies. That is until I started hearing more and more music played in chill out rooms that didn’t fall neatly in that category. I’m certainly no authority on genres, but I find it very odd that the term is often used as a one-size fits all description of sounds you lounge to. And on the flip side dance music has a gazillion, some seemingly superfluous genres (to be discussed another day). Limiting our descriptive language for such diverse music is a disservice to our understanding and experiences with it.

There’s a whole slew of reasons why more parties, especially in certain scenes, don't have ambient rooms. Perhaps they’re not a draw to the majority of partygoers. A primary reason could also be that BPM wylin’ is the supersonic speed of music du jour. Or perhaps there aren’t enough multi-room spaces that have a proper sound barrier. It could also simply be that it’s tough to budget for both on lineups. Or…maybe the promoter opted for a dark room instead given how popular they are. Phones have also impacted the need for chilled out communal spaces. Because where folks hang out can be less relevant when much of the communication involves eyes glued to phones.

All that being said, an ambient room can be clutch when:

• The music on the dancefloor takes a downward spiral prompting you to twirl off with an escape plan.

• You need a place to stretch so you can elongate your moves and time spent dancing.

• You’re f*cked up and it’s time for some self care.

• The speakers are blasting and have your ears overwhelmed and you just need a sonic break.

• You just want to sit down.

And lastly, sharing some guidelines to keep in mind when chilling out in these types of spaces:

• No one expects you to take an oath of silence, but remember that just like a dancefloor, lots of folks are there for the music, so keep your voice down.

• Watch where you sit. I’m still haunted by plopping my phat pants in gum while rolling in 1996. Ironically they were Q-Ambient jeans.

• Watch out for others, including strangers. If you see someone falling out or in danger, get someone working the party to help or if you’re capable, step in yourself.

• The DJ may seem available to talk, but this isn’t an invitation for you to chat them up or make a new friend. They’re working.

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More and more people seem to be getting (and/or demanding) constant access to green room & backstage spaces without necessarily being a DJ of the night or being friends with one, and treating the space as a casual hangout. What is your take on greenroom access and etiquette when in there?

Some green rooms can seem more crowded than the dancefloor. And it’s obvious why that’s the case. The green room is a reprieve where you can refresh, sit, stretch and if you’re lucky, use a private bathroom. That golden wristband is fab, but it isn’t everything. The party is where it’s at. I readily admit I very much like having one. But I have no expectation of getting one because a) I’m almost certainly not working and b) I’m not an artist. If you also fall into either of these categories and are demanding a handout, you need to check yourself and your attitude.

There’s no right or wrong approach. But first and foremost, it’s the club or party promoter who decides on access to the room. Their policy could be the more the merrier, only people working or somewhere in between. Here’s a few suggestions for those with green room scenarios that have gotten out of hand:

• Have someone in the room to monitor it and that is comfortable enough to ask those sans wristbands to skedaddle back to the dancefloor. 

• Take the pressure off yourself and hand the wristbands to a few close friends to pass them out for you.

• Limit the number you’re giving out at the beginning of the night. Or parse them out. And when they run out- they’re done.

It can be tough to say no to friends. So whatever the decision, try not to take it personally. And if you end up back there, always keep green room etiquette top of mind:

• Be aware of those around you. If there’s an artist or someone working that’s standing, ask if they want your seat. Same goes for letting them go ahead of you in the bathroom line.

• You’re a guest. So treat the space respectfully- don’t leave your trash, coat or other personal items lying around.

• Don’t forget that the party is actually on the other side of that door. You came to hear the music and dance- so get into it. Enjoy the “during” and then kiki at the pre-ki or the afters to your hearts delight. Be conscious of the amount of time you’re spending back there.

• If there’s a rule against certain drugs, don’t do them. And don’t get fucked up and out of control.

• If there are few beverages and/or snacks, they may just be for the artists- so ask before helping yourself to them.

What do you feel the dance community needs more of? What does it need less of?

Because this list could go on and on and on, I’m just listing my top five in no particular order. It should go without saying, that these are expressly from my POV. I don’t claim to (ever) represent anyone but me, myself and I.

We need more:

• Diversity in the crowds. Across all aspects including race, age, gender, sexuality and abilities. Aliens would be a good addition as well.

• Dialogue and listening without fear and shame. Whether they’re in person conversations, community centric talks or on social media.

• Dancing- there can never be enough. And more range of movement by those who are able to and comfortable doing it. 

• Art adorning the space that amplifies a party’s aesthetic and ethos. More performance art would be fab as well. Visual artists are seldom involved, which is a waste of an opportunity to further involve the community.

• Levity and joy. Some parties can be so serious. Helloooo, a party is supposed to be fun.

Enough already…

• Entitlement. It’s so tired y'all.

• Messy-ness and lack of personal responsibility. Don’t make your high other peoples’ problem.

• Pointless online vitriol amongst people who are emboldened by the safety of their screens.

• People who are disrespectful and rude to the people working the party.

• Statues aka people who have little to no regard of other’s personal space, especially on the dancefloor.

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You know the saying, “there’s no such thing as a stupid question.” Well, I’m not sure that's valid for all questions, having asked some dumb ones myself. But I can say for certain the quandaries submitted to “Ask Tovah” were anything but that. The gaggle of questions ya’ll sent in are more than I could have hoped for! So many insightful inquiries I hadn’t yet thought of and some which work beautifully into upcoming pieces on my forever growing list of article ideas.

I’ll be answering a few questions in the bi-weekly column. So please keep ‘em coming!! XOXO

When visiting other places for dance festivals or general merriment, we often meet cuties and have abbreviated romances. Sometimes we even fall in love. But i find it difficult to know what to expect from these connections when we don’t live in the same place and neither party has any intention of moving. How does one manage the pining that comes with this fun but ephemeral lifestyle? Is there hope for true love to arise from these connections? - Hoes In Different Area Codes

First off, Mazel Tov. It’s incredibly admirable to be sexually and/or emotionally free. Though it seems as common as oxygen in some circles these days, for me it's nothing to sneeze at. Regardless, bless you and your libido.

What to do when you become hooked by your hookup? Communicate. And then communicate some more and consistently. Do you both feel similarly? You might be wistfully thinking of each other the week after, but next month could be a whole different story. So check in and often. As scary as it is, honesty is key. Projecting unrealistic expectations that arise out of fairy tales can often extinguish arousal.

Fantasyland is what you make of it. But reality is what it makes of you. Perhaps it was your rose tinted vacation glasses that obscured actuality. Like a Seurat painting, some people are better from a distance. Not every love is meant to last or worth pursuing. A great love can be short lived. And if it spoils as quickly as a carton of milk you might still find yourself ahead through the lessons learned.

Still feeling the love? Well just because they seem like Mx. Right, they may not be for right now. There's always hope for true love, but that doesn't mean it will last forever. Or look like what you’d expect. Maybe it's someone to grow old with. Or an important summer romance. Or the best fuck of your life. Or a disaster that you'll learn from leading you to something better. Whatever it is, at least you’re getting your rocks off and some romance. So live the present like a present and enjoy them now.

What to do with ground scores? Try and return them? Test and take them? - Finders Keepers

Excellent question. If you would have asked me about ground scores 5 years ago I'd giddily examine the baggie and use all my senses to sleuth it out. Surprises and mysteries are the best, especially when they're free.

Those days are over. And they’ll never be back. Fentanyl and a bunch of other bullshit is lurking around in unsuspecting baggies all over the place. It’s more prevalent than you might think. There’s no drug worth the risk of your life or your friends. So my advice is to leave it be.

Some of you might still be inclined to spin the roulette wheel of real consequences. If so, I implore you to test the substance thoroughly. Testing for fentanyl and xylazine is a MUST. The last time I swooped up a floor drug, it tested positive in two seconds flat and freaked me the fuck out.

Also be sure to conduct a reagent test which classifies the type of drug it might be. You may be thinking, “why not wing it and try it yourself?” Well, these days there’s a plethora of letter and number drugs that you could easily mistake for something else. And those drugs are often dosed by the milligram. So taking just an eensy teensy tiny bit more than what's recommended might blast you to a not so pleasant dimension that’s an anxiety ridden hellscape of a nightmare that will seemingly never end.

As for finding the person- that’s super kind, but unless you see them drop it, it’s probably not worth your time. The first person to hear about a lost baggie will likely claim it whether it's theirs or not. So I say continue dancing and prancing.

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